Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
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Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.