your elf on the shelf was delicious
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PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.