me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
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best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.