Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
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I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
life finds a way
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.