For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
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I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.