I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
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M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
The Others (2001)
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business