Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
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how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you