Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
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[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
thanksgiving in nutshell
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
Word!
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.