wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
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When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.