Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
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me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
I need this for my side hustle.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Ion see the issue
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.