*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
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when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Practicing safe sax
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing: