Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
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In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.