I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
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“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.