wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
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Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
adding to the discourse
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.