Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
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*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain