Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
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You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Batman v Dracula
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.