Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
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Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
For the ones in the back.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.