Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
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Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.