SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
You Might Also Like
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
My current situation
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?