I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
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7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.