Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
You Might Also Like
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy