Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
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Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
choose your fighter
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.