I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
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When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
#StillHurts
adding to the discourse
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.