PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
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Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Has science gone too far?
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?