Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
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My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.