i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
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You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
eggs benadryl
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb