My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
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Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
this country is so goddamn polarized
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I can’t wait!
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.