I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
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[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.