She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
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*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.