A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
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my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday