Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
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My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
it must be school picture day
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!