WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
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Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying