Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
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Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Don’t make me out nice you.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Bros before Ohioes
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.