Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
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me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.