WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
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At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.