I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
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ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!