I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
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Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.