Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
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Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
#dalle2
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal