*brings nachos to your exorcism*
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Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.