Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
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Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.