Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
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Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Follow me for more life hacks.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.