advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
You Might Also Like
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal