My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
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wishing you and yours all the best
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice