Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
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My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
They’re called werewolves.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.