House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
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some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
felt that
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.