If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Sending in my taxes
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
who will stop them
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.