Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
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when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey