To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
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Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.