When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
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“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.