As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
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Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one